Changes

I sat earlier today eager to write, but I could not. Sometimes my mind is flooded with insights and ideas at such a rate that all I can hope to do is to write them down for later use. What sometimes follows is that I become overwhelmed, struggling to find the zeal required to make of them anything of substance. Today was one of those days. There was something biting away at me however, something I could not quite put my finger on, and then it hit me...

The past few months have been monumental in my life. There have been so many changes, but these changes have been mostly those of the mind. Finally my physical life feels like it is beginning to catch up and I think this feeling that has been scratching at the surface is beginning to reveal itself to me.

It is a sense of grief. It's strange to admit this because I am actually very happy in my life and yet these feelings of nostalgia for what will never be again, well up in me.

I am happy with the decisions that I have made in recent times. I don’t know what is to come and it is unnerving not to know but it is better than staying somewhere that feels safe only on account of it being familiar. As it is in life, there have been some unexpected consequences.

For weeks now I have been brimming with excitement over the adventures that I am about to embark on. I am not making plans out of fear, societal expectations or obligation, instead I am letting myself be guided by my intuition. The consequences of this are that I am not able to provide answers for myself at times, let alone anyone else in my life. On account of this I have been led to making some decisions that have been completely surprising even to me.

The fact is that it is not possible for us to see beyond the present moment, no matter how hard we try to imagine it. I have lived for far too long allowing myself to succumb to fear and I cannot do it any longer. There is a higher voice calling to me and I feel compelled to answer it’s call.

Even though the consequences of our actions can be far reaching the temptation of the mind is to always assume the worst.

There has been so much going on in my life of late and so much excitement thinking of what is to come that there has seldom been a moment to stop and actually process it all. Today however, I did just that. I sat on my bed and let my feelings surface.

What I know for sure is that in spite of any challenges that may arise along my journey, I am looking forward to the adventures I will be able to have in this next chapter of my life and in those brief moments when doubt creeps in, I am reminded of the story of the Chinese farmer.

The Story of the Chinese Farmer

Once upon a time there was a Chinese farmer whose horse ran away. That evening, all of his neighbors came around to commiserate. They said, “We are so sorry to hear your horse has run away. This is most unfortunate.” The farmer said, “Maybe.” The next day the horse came back bringing seven wild horses with it, and in the evening everybody came back and said, “Oh, isn’t that lucky. What a great turn of events. You now have eight horses!” The farmer again said, “Maybe.”

The following day his son tried to break one of the horses, and while riding it, he was thrown and broke his leg. The neighbors then said, “Oh dear, that’s too bad,” and the farmer responded, “Maybe.” The next day the conscription officers came around to conscript people into the army, and they rejected his son because he had a broken leg. Again all the neighbors came around and said, “Isn’t that great!” Again, he said, “Maybe.”

The whole process of nature is an integrated process of immense complexity, and it’s really impossible to tell whether anything that happens in it is good or bad — because you never know what will be the consequence of the misfortune; or, you never know what will be the consequences of good fortune.

— Alan Watts

With love

Basia 🌻