Conversations with the self: how to love yourself

How to love yourself

Your desire for love has been placed there because you are worthy of it. You know love, and by the virtue of this alone you are deserving of it.

Most of us would have heard a phrase that goes something to the effect of ‘Love yourself’ but does anyone really know what this means? It seems to be a phrase that has been hijacked by things like cosmetic and weight loss industries aimed predominantly at women, being tossed about and sprinkled onto anything that might help a product to sell. So much of the time, phrases such as this, that are endowed with such deep and spiritual meaning for our lives, become little more than empty words being parroted about without true regard for their significance. Often losing their impact in the process. Not to mention that exploiting peoples insecurities seems like an unfortunate waste of this vital concept.

So what does it mean to love yourself and how do we do this? How do we genuinely love ourselves?

Because we are programmed from birth to seek approval from others, it comes as no surprise that we would extend the desire for this validation to our partners in love also. Most often the concept of loving oneself tends to refer to very superficial qualities like loving our bodies or how we look. This does form an important part of self love, but this love goes far more than merely skin deep.

What I have come to discover in my own life is that love is synonymous with joy, happiness and peace. Having this happiness derive from whether or not someone else is, or gives us what we want however, is not fair to either ourselves or the other person. It also means that ones happiness will always be determined by something or someone outside of oneself. Not only is this not fair to ourselves, for we may never experience true happiness if it is always dependent on some external factor, but it is also unfair to the other. Who, on account of this condition will be required to do or to become someone they are not in a constant effort to please us, placing unfair amounts of pressure on them at the very least and at worst preventing them from living a life of authenticity and fulfilment themselves. This creates disempowerment and disharmony for both individuals, clearly something that love is not and does not do.

So what to do about it?

My education up until this point, in terms of my experience of self and others around me, made evident the fact, that there seems to be a constant struggle, a sort of tug of war between people, each trying desperately to get from the other what they need, usually to no avail.

Though frustrating, I now understood that the purpose of this struggle was to first learn to be the source of our own happiness and fulfilment. We need to already come to a place of wholeness and a sense of individual purpose, being able to give ourselves the love that we want to receive from others. Seeing ourselves as worthy of love and of all the things we desire to have in our lives. This being the ultimate love, a deep and honest love for ourselves. Everything about ourselves, even that which we have previously considered unlovable. We cannot feel worthy, nor can we truly become better versions of ourselves until we find forgiveness for anything that requires it in our lives. All of our past transgressions, our deepest shadows, our perceived physical flaws, our emotional hangups...everything.

How can we claim to truly love another, truly and honestly, all of their flaws and imperfections, if we cannot find or we refuse to find this love for ourselves? Imperfections, flaws and all?

This is why we most often look for this love externally, because of the promise it brings of a sense of validation and acceptance. An acceptance we won’t give to ourselves but expect from others. The funny thing is that the moment that you give this love and acceptance to yourself, those things seem to disappear. The weight just drops off, your health improves, your skin starts to glow, your smile becomes infectious to others around you and people seem to come out of nowhere being willing to help you.

We no longer seek validation from others when we have validated ourselves, we know that we are worthy of a deep and intense love no matter what our past or our flaws might be, in turn, making way for healthy and balanced relationships.

None of this means that we do not have needs, wants or desires for ourselves, nor that we do not want a partner to share our lives with. What it does mean is that in having a sense of purpose in our own lives, being grateful for what we have and who we are in this moment, in every moment, we can already be happy. And when our cup is full, there will be more to give to someone else.

The irony of this is that when we embody this state of being we become a match to someone else who is in this same frequency. They too will see themselves as worthy. The emotional hangups are left at the door. Insecurities leading to unreasonable demands are no longer there. Instead of looking to take what they need in order to make themselves feel whole, there is a coming together of two people who desire only to add to each others lives. All the while basking in the delights of a deep and passionate love. This to me is the definition of unconditional love. This kind of love and relationship inspires us to keep growing both individually and together, bonding and strengthening us in ways we never thought possible and always encouraging and inspiring us to become higher versions of ourselves.

look inside of yourself today, be brave enough to face your shadows. Forgive yourself for all of those silly, hurtful, embarrassing things you have done to yourself and others. Yes! It is o.k. to forgive yourself. Wouldn’t you want this from someone else, would you not want it for someone you love? It’s easy to want things for those we care about but we often forget that we are someone too and that we are that someone to others. Be willing to give this to yourself. See the inner child within you, that innocent child, weary and battered through life's sometimes turbulent and stormy seas who is reaching out for you to pull them back into the sun.

Stand in front of your mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful, that you are kind, that you are smart and fun and sexy. Tell yourself that you are worthy of being loved, that you are worthy of abundance and joy in your life. Tell yourself all the things you would love to hear someone else say to you. Stand there and do it as long as it takes for you to believe it and never stop doing it. This is not about vanity, an exercise in the shallow pursuit of superiority over others. This is about looking at the person who is staring back at you in the mirror and seeing them through the eyes of compassion, understanding, acceptance and a warm and above all, a genuine love. A love we all deserve.

Much love xx

Basia