Conversations with the self: to roads less travelled

I woke up this morning thinking about how things have changed in my life.

How I have changed.

I spent a great deal of time in my past hating my life and who I was. I don’t think that I had ever met anyone in my life whom I thought to be as much of a lost cause as I had once thought myself to be.

What I mean is that I always saw the potential in other people, no matter who or what they were. I saw the good in them even if others could not or they couldn’t see it in themselves, but I never extended this courtesy to myself. It had honestly never occurred to me.

There were many reasons that I could have felt this way about myself, not the least of which being that I felt like a failure in the eyes of those around me. After migrating to another country from my native Poland there would be very many opportunities for me to prove this point to myself and others, over and over again.

My parents were educated people and they expected the same from their kids, even more so because of their sacrifice. My father never let us forget it. Meanwhile, no matter how hard I tried to live up to those expectations there was always some irrepressible urge within me, desperately wanting to be expressed, beckoning me to go my own way. So I did, often much to the displeasure of those around me.

I’m sure that my getting married at 18 years old to someone I hardly knew, having met on holiday to my homeland, becoming a mom at 20 and divorced at 21 was the pinnacle of this and had everyone thinking that my life was over. Actually I know this for a fact.

I spent much of my life punishing myself for my mistakes. I worked hard to be who I thought I was supposed to be but it didn’t make me happy, and I didn’t know why, not that I ever thought to question it at that time.

Eventually after a long period of self exploration and personal growth. I realised that despite the fact that my decisions in life often resulted in those around me, no doubt questioning my sanity and thinking things like “I told you so” or “you should have listened”, I knew that I was always supposed to take those paths. This was my souls intention even if it sometimes landed me in places no one would wish to go.

I learnt that if we get too caught up in how we are perceived by others, who most of the time see only what they wish to see or that which we wish to show them. The protective facade we have created to present to the outside world. The world that does not not know our hearts and what truly motivates us, the magic that dwells within, we may miss what we came here to experience...ourselves.

If I hadn’t been the rebel that I had been I would never have dared to travel the path I have travelled. Everything that I have experienced until now, both good or bad has made me into who I am today and for the first time in my life I can honestly say that I like who that is and I am o.k. with where I am at. In the end all of those roads took me to exactly where I was supposed to be... 'here'. I may not have all the answers and I may not have it all worked out just yet, maybe I never will, since life is a journey after all, but if all that has happened in my life until now has gotten me here, then I am excited by where it is yet to take me.