A lesson in personal strength
I went in for surgery today. I wasn’t particularly nervous leading up to it. I knew that it was something I wanted and needed to have done. As I sat there by myself in those minutes leading up to being wheeled off into the operating theatre I began to feel a slight sadness.
Everything I have been doing lately I have been doing on my own. Even though in the past when I had my ex along for the ride, I always felt that he was more of an escort than a shoulder to lean on. I really felt myself needing one in this moment, a shoulder that is. Not his of course, I was done with that, and it isn’t that I minded doing things on my own. I am really finding a sense of empowerment that I had lost somewhere along the way in the way that I am having to do things now, but it would have been nice to have someone to be there all the same. Just in that moment, as I sat there listening to my music hoping to kill some time before the procedure, the number 11:11 popped up on my screen. A significant angel number for me. Suddenly I no longer felt alone.
I do have my kids of course, my son was great to pick me up, he bought me a favourite juice for my return and my daughter was waiting for me at home with a warm cup of tea and fresh picked oranges. I love them so much, but it isn’t quite the same as the shoulder of someone who has been through a bit of life, waiting to shield you with their love.
As it turns out I am built of some tough stuff, or so said my anaesthetist, and I will get through this too.
This was just day surgery but it was performed under general anaesthetic. I had walked into operating theatres before as a nurse, but never as a patient. This was quite surreal. I walked over to the bed and laid back, quietly watching all the commotion going on around me. Before long someone was placing a mask over my face asking me to take three deep breaths. This was, I’m sorry for the words, uber cool :)
I had seen this in the movies, masks going on faces and people falling off to sleep and I must admit I was looking forward to experiencing how this felt. It was as good as I had imagined... As the room began to get blurry I felt myself softly drifting off to sleep.
The next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room with a nurse gently tapping me and speaking to me in a soft voice. I felt myself stirring. I know I had been dreaming but I am not exactly sure of what it was. All I know is that although I woke to what seemed like familiar surroundings of the hospital that I knew I was in, I was somewhat grief stricken at being pulled from my dream. So much so that I found myself unable to hold back tears. Whatever the dream was It felt incredibly safe and warm and I did not want to leave it.
Now awake I was once again surrounded by the real world. This world was not at all unpleasant. The staff were incredibly caring and nice. I felt safe and cared for all the way through. In fact the only thing that could have topped all of this off was a near death experience ;)
After I returned to the ward I sat next to the nicest lady. We had a short but deep conversation about our lives since separating from our husbands. She spoke about how happy she now was with the man she found love with, and in the end she said that if she wasn’t moving to Queensland she would have given me her number. No matter, she was a kindred spirit. My heart felt warmed by hers and I am grateful for the encounter.
Anyway the anaesthetic is bound to wear off at some point soon so I think I will end this one here only to say that I am happy and grateful for today.
Onwards and upwards as they say...
With Love
Basia
